


Gloria, There's Easier Ways to Die

by GayGremlin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Gloria by The Lumineers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Langst, M/M, Songfic, Spanish-speaking Lance, Wtf am I doing, also it's super dramatic, don't worry he doesn't succeed, it's 2 am, kinda a vent fic but not really, klangst, like way too much, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 17:32:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19446262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayGremlin/pseuds/GayGremlin
Summary: Lance has struggled with his thoughts for a while now.  They're bad thoughts, ones that tell him that it'd be better for the team if he just weren't around anymore...After a botched attempt at taking his own life, the team tries and tries again to make sure that he knows just how much he means to them and how much he's needed, Keith most of all.Keith loves Lance, Lance loves Keith.  But there are things that love alone can't fix.





	Gloria, There's Easier Ways to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy!  
> This is a sort of vent fic, but it's different in the way that I was dealing with something of this sort for around 2 years at one point in my life and have since recovered. This is in a way me using what I know about feeling this way and using it in a fic, and is not me feeling it in the moment. However, if you DO feel this way currently, I am here to tell you that you are worth every star in the goddamn sky (though I know that some random fic writer online ain't gonna make anything any better). If you feel this way, please seek help by calling your local (or national) suicide hotline by looking it up on Google. 
> 
> Also, this fic is hella over-dramatic and kinda dumb in that way, but I'm posting it anyway because I need something to post between my last fic and my full-length one that I am writing.
> 
> Also, I originally wrote this in google docs, but the bold and italics that I used didn't transfer over, so sorry about that.
> 
> ALSO also, thank you to the Coolest Bean aka my best friend, Rosita, for helping me with the little bit of Spanish I used!!!
> 
> Please enjoy this crap that was written at 2 a.m. and barely proof read uwu.

~"Gloria, I smell it on your breath…"~

"Lance?"

He heard his friend's attempt to get his attention, but his mind couldn't seem to register it.

"Lance."

He finally looked up, pulling himself back into reality. It was Pidge. She was staring at him with a look of both impatience and concern. 

"Oh hey, sorry Pidgeon," he responded in a quiet, resigned voice, accompanied by a weak laugh. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch what ya were sayin' there."

Pidge sighed, exasperated.

"I know you didn't."

~"...Gloria, booze and peppermint…"~

She quieted for a moment, her expression going from one of annoyance to one of hesitance and concern.

"Lance… We've all noticed that you've seemed a bit… off lately."

She was being very delicate, choosing her words carefully, something that Lance was unaccustomed to seeing from Pidge. He would go as far as to say that this Pidge unnerved him. 

"Oh, really?" Lance responded, trying to sound light-hearted and blissfully unaware of any problems that he might be having. "Well, maybe it has somethin’ to do with Hunk's food goo, eh?" He laughed in an effort to sell his point. But apparently his heart wasn't in it enough, seeing the doubtful glare that Pidge gave him.

~"... Oh Gloria…"~

"No, Lance," she replied with a huff. But then her expression softened yet again.

"... Are you alright?"

He stared blankly at her for a moment.

No, nothing was alright. Nothing at all.

But he couldn't tell her that. He couldn't tell the team that. He couldn't even tell Keith that…

Suddenly he smiled, as wide, genuine, and Lance-like as he could.

"Of course I'm alright, silly," he replied, chuckling, even going as far as to raise an eyebrow, as if asking 'why would you even ask?'

~"... No one said enough is enough…"~

Pidge still looked suspicious, but she let it go that day, much to Lance's relief. 

But he still couldn't shake the feeling of hopelessness that came with it. 

He was spiraling into a hole of self hatred, and he couldn't seem to dig himself back out. So he stopped trying. He knew that he needed the help of others. Hell, he wanted the help of others.

But he couldn't seem to let himself confide in them.

He didn't want to bother them.

~"... Gloria, they found you on the floor…"~

It was only a night or two after this that he hit rock bottom. He couldn't possibly get any lower, he thought. 

"I'm just doing what's best for the team," he whispered as he drew in shaky, uneven breaths.

He was at the doorway of the airlock. All he needed to do was step inside, harness himself to a rope to make sure that his body would be easily recovered, and press the button that would open up the walls and subject him to the suffocating void of space. 

He was a button press away from his goal. He had written his notes and everything. One to Pidge, Hunk, Allura, Shiro, Coran, his family (which would be delivered to them when the others returned to Earth), and… Keith.

But he couldn't bring himself to do it.

He was frozen.

So he just crumpled to the ground in defeat, and soon enough gut-wrenching sobs were spilling out of his mouth, his body shaking uncontrollably, his mind clouded over in self-loathing and his breathing becoming increasingly shallow. 

"... Lance?"

~"... Gloria, my hand was tied in yours…"~

Soon enough he was being embraced by the strong arms of Hunk. He could feel the presence of the others (well, he could hear Pidge's sniffling and Shiro's ragged breaths… they had probably read his notes, after all).

"Lance, please don't."

Hunk spoke in the smallest, most terrified voice that Lance had ever heard from him. It made his heart break even further. 

And when he thought that he couldn't possibly hate himself more, he realizes that he had done this to them.

How could he live with himself?

~"... And Gloria…"~

Suddenly a terrible realization hit him. He stopped crying very suddenly and his whole body tensed up.

"Wha-" 

But Hunk couldn't even get the words out before Lance started shaking violently, tears rushing back into his eyes, falling faster than before.

"I- I- what- I can't believe- oh my go-o-od," he cried out, choking on his own words.

Keith's note had contained a confession. 

Lance had come to admire Keith in a way that went far beyond a platonic relationship. He would even go as far as to say that he loved him.

And now Keith knew.

And Lance was still around.

~"... Did you finally see that enough is enough?..."~

For the days that followed, the rest of the team wouldn't let him out of their sight for even a split second. They treated him as if he could break at any moment, which was probably true, but hurt too much to admit. 

Keith hadn't mentioned anything about the note, not yet at least. Was he trying to make things less awkward? Was he trying to spare Lance the humiliation? Well if so, it wasn't working. 

It wasn't until a week after the incident that Lance heard a knock at his door at around 1 a.m. (or what they had collectively decided was 1 a.m. and had set their clocks to- there was no way of knowing the Earth's time out in the middle of space). 

"Yes?" he called, unsure. Who the hell was awake at this hour wandering the halls? 

The door slid open to reveal Keith standing there, looking almost as unsure as Lance was feeling.

'Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fucking fuck, it's happening,' Lance's mind helpfully repeated. 

"Lance… I read your note."

~"... Did you know me when I was younger then?..."~

[Flashback]

He was playing soccer with his church's youth group. It was a hot day in mid-June in the town of Varadero, Cuba. 

"Lance, pass the ball!" a friend of his, Mateo, called, covered in sweat from both the heat and the physical exertion of their game.

"Voy!" (Okay) Lance called back, giving the ball a hard kick towards his friend. Mateo's foot barely grazed the ball as it flew past him, out of bounds. 

"Ah, mierda!" Mateo yelled, falling as he lost footing, ass hitting the dirt in an almost comical way. The other team laughed, and Lance couldn't help but giggle quietly along with them.

Mateo glared at him, but there was no menace behind it. It was all in good fun.

But then-

"Oye, marica!" (faggot) he heard from a few yards away.

~"... I could take the whole world with me…"~

Lance turned around to see that it was a couple of the older boys who had called it out and were now snickering.

Lance looked around quizzically. Were they talking to him?

"You, McClain," one of them called again, exasperated, while the other barked out a laugh. 

His blood ran cold.

"Wha-"

"Eres un maricón ¿Sí?" (You are a faggot, yes?)

"I- I have no idea what you're talking about!" Lance responded. What else was he supposed to say?

"We've seen you checking out the other boys, pirobo," (derogatory for twink/passive/bottom) one called out as they started walking closer. Lance just wanted them to stop. He wanted to shrivel up on the spot.

Mateo and his other friends stared at him, unsure and hesitant. Were they starting to believe what the two boys were saying?

"We don't need any mamavergas (cock suckers) here," one spat. They were only a few feet away from him now. "You'll give us a bad name."

~"... I would find myself feelin' alone…"~

He ended up at home that night with a black eye and split lip. His mama asked him time and time again what had happened as she bustled around the kitchen angrily, grabbing ice packs and the first aid kit that they stored under the sink. 

"I just got in a fight," was all that he could say. He would never tell her what really happened, not in a million years. He couldn't bare to see the disappointed look on his mother's face if she found out that he really was exactly what the two boys were claiming. A marica. A faggot. 

Mateo didn't speak to him for a good week after the incident. And even after he was done giving Lance the silent treatment, things were never the same between them. Mateo was more cautious and distant and Lance felt betrayed and distrustful. What sort of friend would abandon you merely based on the claims of others?

He felt worthless.

He felt disgusting.

He felt alone.

'What a way to be,' he thought bitterly. In bed he would spend hours tossing and turning, angry at God. If God really didn't want him to be gay then why did he make him gay? 

'Well, bisexual,' he thought to himself.

He felt completely and utterly worthless.

[Flashback end]

~"... Heaven, help me now…"~

"Lance… I read your note."

He was frozen. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't expect to be alive to have to explain himself. 

"Keith, it's- I'm not- I wasn't trying to-"

"Lance-"

"God, I'm so sorry, it's okay if you hate me now, I'm so sorry I-"

"Lance."

'He's going to abandon me,' he thought to himself, terrified. 'He's going to abandon me and hate me, just like Mateo and all the other kids in Varadero.'

Keith took a deep, shaky breath. He then looked Lance in the eyes, looking vulnerable.

"It's ok," he whispered. "I feel the same."

~"... Heaven, show the way…"~

Lance just gawked at him for a moment, completely disbelieving.

Keith cringed, as if waiting for a negative response.

"You… you what?" was all he could manage to say.

"I like you too, you complete and utter dumbass," Keith all but cried, voice cracking, full of emotion.

Lance's head was spinning. What did he mean he liked him back? How was this possible?

Lance had gone all this time believing that his feelings were unrequited until…

"What the fuck?!" Lance yelled, jumping from his bed and onto his feet in the blink of an eye. "What the actual fuck!"

Keith looked confused and scared. Did he say something wrong?

~"... Get me back on my own two feet…"~

"You- you- you- oh my god," he managed to choke out, completely at a loss for words. 

Keith looked increasingly confused, unaware that Lance's reaction was not born of anger but more of complete shock and frustration with himself.

"Lance?..." he started, hesitantly. 

Lance immediately stopped with his wild hand gestures and incoherent speech and just looked Keith in the eyes, wearing a heartbreakingly helpless and confused expression.

"You're just fucking with me."

"I'm not. Of course I'm not, why would I?"

He almost sounded offended. 

Lance continued to stare at him, his uncertainty evident in his eyes.

Keith took in another deep breath. 

"I'm not fucking with you, Lance...

I really mean it."

~"... I would lie awake…"~

The next thing he knew, Keith’s lips were on his, and all of his uncertainty seemed to evaporate on the spot.

This was quite the elaborate prank if it was one. Besides, Keith had never been one for pranks (that was more Lance and Pidge's area of expertise), and certainly not a prank as cruel as this.

He kissed back with little hesitation. 

'This is nice,' he thought to himself, feeling the most content he had in a long while. 'I could get used to this.'

They only parted when the need for air became too great. 

"...Why?" was the only question Lance could form.

~"... and pray you don't lie awake for me…"~

Keith stared dubiously at him. 

"Are you seriously asking me 'why'?"

Lance wasn't sure how to respond (he was not terribly fond of feeling this level of hesitation and subsequent vulnerability). 

"... Yes?" he replied, trying to sound even, but it came out more as a squeak.

Keith sighed. His lips quirked up into a small smile before he responded (and Lance decided that he would like to see Keith smile much more often). 

"Does love need an explanation?"

~"... Gloria, you crawled up on your cross…"~

Keith slept in his room that night. He woke up the next morning, snug in the other's arms, feeling warmer and lighter than he had in a very long time. 

But that didn't last long.

Soon after waking up, he was reminded of how terrible things were.

How lonely things were.

How useless he was.

He couldn't fight like Keith, he wasn't smart like Hunk and Pidge, and he wasn't a good leader like Shiro and Allura. 

No matter how much he tried to shake the feeling, no matter how much he refused to acknowledge it, and no matter how much Keith tried to assure him that he was needed and loved in the time that they now spent as a couple, the fact still remained…

He didn't want to be there any more. He couldn't be there anymore. He couldn't bear it. 

~"... Gloria, you made us sit and watch…"~

"GET HIM TO THE PODS, NOW!" he heard someone scream, but it was so faint that he barely recognized it as a sound. But then again, maybe he was just hallucinating. He had taken a lot of pills after all… or whatever this altean version of medication was.

Even through the haze that was his thoughts, he couldn't help but wonder who it was that was screaming. What was happening right now? Everything was a blur. Were they running? A moment later he felt as if he were floating. Did someone pick him up? 

He didn't know, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

He was losing consciousness quickly, anyway. In a few moments nothing would matter anymore, at least not to him.

~"... Oh, Gloria…"~

Hunk had found him on his bed. He assumed that he was merely sleeping. The others had noticed how drained he had seemed as of late, but dinner time was dinner time, and Hunk knew that Lance wouldn't want to miss that. ("Hunk, you're a lifesaver! I don't know how I would survive without your cooking," Lance would exclaim through a mouthful of food for the millionth time, rousing a chuckle from the others.)

"Hey bud," Hunk called from the doorway, rapping his knuckles against the doorframe in an effort to get Lance's attention. 

He didn't stir.

Hunk sighed, more amused than exasperated.

'He must really be tired,' he thought.

"Lance, come on dude," he repeated, a little firmer this time. "The food goo tastes like mac 'n' cheese this time, you're gonna want some a' that!"

Nothing. No response. No movement.

Hunk couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine. 

Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.

"Lance…?" he called in a soft, wavering voice, unable to keep the anxiety out.

Something was wrong, something was wrong, something was wr-

Soon the others were booking it down the hallway, beckoned by a gut-wrenching scream.

~"... No one said enough is enough…"~

Lance was in the pod. The paladins and Alteans could only stare at him floating in the mysterious liquid in shock. 

Shiro felt an intense, crushing amount of guilt. He was the leader. He felt that he had let Lance down in some way, that he had inadvertently caused this.

Allura felt nothing but pure shock. What could possibly push a person to do this? What could bring a person as bubbly, kind, and selfless as Lance to such a horrible place?

Coran felt heartbroken. He had always had something of a special connection to Lance, something that he didn't quite have with the others. Goofy, kind, funny Lance, the Lance that always wanted to make them feel better, wanted to hear about what they were doing and what they liked… that same Lance was now near-death in a pod by his own hand.

~"... Heaven, help me now…"~

Pidge couldn't tear her eyes from Lance's all-too-pale face. She couldn't believe this. This was only a bad dream. Nothing had happened to Lance. Lance was safe. Their Lance was perfectly fine… but she knew that wasn't true.

Hunk's eyes were filled with tears. He had found his best friend unconscious, deathly pale, and nearly lifeless with a stomach full of Altean medicine. 

And Keith…

Keith was heartbroken beyond belief. Why hadn't Lance come to him? Why couldn't Lance bring himself to believe that Keith truly did love him? Why couldn't Lance see just how much everyone needed him?

~"... Heaven show the way…"~

It took Lance six days to wake up, and each one felt like it's own eternity. 

The team wandered the hallways of the castle like zombies, and their time together at meals was drenched in a thick silence that no one had the emotional energy to break. Even if they were to talk, they all knew that there was really only one thing on each of their minds…

Lance.

Of course, they still had to discuss strategy, the Galra, the Lions, and everything else that came with being Paladins of Voltron, but all of that seemed to come second in their minds. All that they could think about day in and day out was Lance.

And when the time came that he finally woke up, they all sprinted to the cryopod room like their lives depended on it.

~"... Get me back on my own two feet…"~

He felt groggy, like his mind was clogged up. His vision was blurred, but he could make out the forms of the figures around him, one holding him up and the others huddling around him. They were speaking but he couldn't quite make out exactly what it was that they were saying.

'I never expected Heaven to be like this…' he thought wearily. '... or Hell either.' 

Then all of a sudden everything snapped into place. He wasn't dead. He had just fallen out of the healing pod and into Keith's arms. The others were huddled close around him, tears in their eyes and their faces scrunched up in true emotional anguish.

He stared blankly at them all for a moment…

And then broke down sobbing.

~"... I would lie awake…"~

It took only a moment for Keith to join in, his head resting in the crook of Lance’s next as he held him up, his sobs coming out choked and painful as they wracked his body. 

Lance had almost left him. His Lance had almost left him. Again.

This had the domino effect on everyone else.

Soon Pidge was crying as she crumpled to the floor, high pitched and loud, coming close to full-out screams. She didn’t think that she had cried this hard in her entire life, except for maybe when she recieved the news of her father and brother’s apparent death. 

Hunk couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He had tried to stay strong but… He fell to the floor with a loud thud, his face in his hands, muffled sobs still deafening in everyone’s ears.

Silent tears rolled down Shiro’s cheeks like a waterfall, albeit the occasional hick of his breath and a stifled whimper. He was trying to stay strong, both for himself and for the team. He was their leader. He was supposed to stay strong, he was supposed to know what to do, he was supposed to always keep a level head…

Allura and Coran’s cries were audible as well but… They couldn’t quite comprehend it. They were too shocked by seeing the other paladins in a state of such distress and misery that they couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around it. Around any of it.

~“... And pray you don’t lie awake for me…”~

The chorus of wailing that they had created died down after a few minutes, leaving only the sound of sniffling and hiccups in its wake. No one could bring themselves to say anything yet. 

No one except for Keith.

“You absolute fuckwad,” was the first thing out of his mouth, choked up and broken, his throat feeling scratchy from his sobs. 

Lance looked up at him with the most pained, guilt-ridden expression you could possibly imagine, not quite meeting Keith’s eyes. “I’m sor-”

“You think that you were doing us a favor?” Keith’s voice was rising in both volume and intensity. “You really think. That what you were doing. Was doing us a favor? Lance! Y-y-you- ugh!”

He suddenly silenced himself, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

“Lance…” 

It was barely more than a whisper.

“We fucking love you dipshit. I fucking love you, hell, I wouldn’t know what to do without your dramatic ass.” He was crying again, but they were silent tears now, slowly rolling down his cheeks, leaving new stains where the old ones had faded some.

“You’re not allowed to leave and… and that’s an order.”

~“... Every night away…”~

Lance slept for the majority of three days, and no one tried to stop him. He needed the rest, and they all knew it. But there was always someone in his room, always someone to keep an eye on him.

Unsurprisingly to the others, this person was often Keith. 

They had suspected that Keith and Lance were romantically involved for some time now, but after Keith’s something of a speech after Lance’s release from the healing pod, they had no doubt in their minds of what the two meant to each other.

It was Keith who was there for the brief periods of time in which Lance would return to consciousness. 

It was Keith who was there to comfort him after a nightmare.

It was Keith who was there when Lance needed him the most.

“I love you,” he would murmur as he ran his hands through Lance’s hair, tucking the locks that had fallen in his face back behind his ears.

And sometimes Keith swore he could hear a mumbled reply…

“I love you too.”

~“... Every day alone…”~

He finally ventured out of his room for dinner after three days of sleeping, nightmares, and Keith. He looked sheepish as he plopped down in his usual spot at the table. He felt bad for all of the trouble he had put them through. All of the pain, worry, extra work… They had all told him that they didn’t mind in the slightest, but he still felt terrible. 

He felt especially terrible for what he had put Keith through.

Keith, his lover, his other half, his light in the dark, the person that he could describe in every other romantic cliche in the universe and it wouldn’t even begin to cover half of it…

He had put everything aside for Lance. He had opened up his heart to him, told him how he felt, told him how much he meant to him, despite how uncomfortable he was with it and how terrible he was with handling feelings. He had suppressed his natural inclinations to be blunt, reactive, and broody for Lance.

Relationships are supposed to be give-and-take, they’re supposed to be mutual, each party is supposed to hold each other up during the downs and celebrate together during the ups…

And Lance felt as if he was making Keith do all the work, that Keith was doing all of the giving and he was doing all of the taking. 

He wanted to give Keith what he had given him. He wanted to show how much he truly did love him but… how?

~“... Get me back on my own two feet…”~

They ate, accompanied by light conversation, and then retired to their rooms for the night. Keith went with Lance, out of habit at this point, and Lance wasn’t complaining in the slightest.

When the door finally closed behind them and they had laid down on the mattress side by side, he turned to the other.

“I’m sorry.”

He said this firmly, not in the feeble way that he had croaked it out in front of the pods. 

Keith opened his mouth to respond, likely to tell him that there was no need to apologize, but Lance held out his hand in front of them.

“Let me finish.”

Keith nodded.

Lance sighed.

~“... I would lie awake…”~

“I know that you’ve told me time and time again that I don’t need to be sorry and that you’re choosing to help me and that you really don’t mind but… I just want you to know that… that I really do love you. Really. Like, deadass. And… and I would do the same for you. Any day.”

He felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes, but he suppressed them.

‘Wow, I really am an emotional bastard, ain’t I,’ he thought, more humorously than derogatory. 

The words ‘I love you’ had come easily between the two of them, and not because they believed that those three words held less power than one might think, but because they really felt that way (even before they were a couple) and they weren’t afraid to let the other know. They both knew how much those words meant. And that’s why they used them.

~“... And pray you don’t lie awake for me…”~

Keith smiled softly and sighed.

“I know, dumbass,” he said with a chuckle. “That’s why I keep at this. I know you’re not just here to mooch some pity off a’ me and dip.”

Lance chuckled at this. Pidge’s attempts at teaching Keith modern slang (or at least what was modern when they left Earth) was starting to pay off.

He snuggled into Keith’s side, his head resting on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing and hearing the steady thumping of his heart. Keith ran his fingers through his brown locks and sighed, content. 

There was silence for a moment and then-

~“... Gloria…”~

“Lance?”

“Hm?”

~“... Will you just decide?...”~

“Promise me you won’t do that again? Please?”

“... I wish I could.”

~“... Gloria…”~

“And what does that mean?”

“I don’t know… It means that I really want to but… I don’t know what I’ll do next. I don’t know if I can control myself and it’s scary.”

~“... There’s easier ways to die…”~

A deep exhale, and then- “Okay.”

“Okay?”

~“... And Gloria…”~

“Just let me help you.”

“Keith, you’ve already d-”

“Just let me in, let me help you…

… Please.”

~“... Have you had enough?”~

“... Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and sorry for the emo angst shit lol. The song used is called "Gloria" by The Lumineers (my cousin actually worked on creating the music video!). It's a good song and I highly suggest looking it up and listening to it!
> 
> Anyway, thanks, I hope you liked it!!
> 
> Constructive criticism is more than welcome in the comments!


End file.
